A man wrote on Reddit recently that he met with his 16 year old daughter, born out of wedlock, but confronted her with the knowledge that he never wanted her and never wanted to hear from her again.
When he asked Reddit “Am I the A$hole”? The response was a thundering YES.
Am I The A$hole for telling my biological daughter that I never want to speak to her again? I (32M) am married to my wife we can call Faye (29F) for two years now. We have one son (1M) together. We’re generally doing well in life and things are looking good.”
“16 years ago, I got my then girlfriend (16F then, 32F now) pregnant. I wore a condom but it still happened.”
“She wanted to keep the baby. I told.her that I’m going to leave her if she does that. I was too young to be a father. My parents were moving state at the time so it was good timing. I told her I never want her to contact me again unless it’s for child support payments.”
“Well my bio daughter (16F) contacted me on Facebook and asked to meet in person… I knew I had to deal with this like a man so I agreed.”
“We met up and I explained the situation of how we didn’t plan on pregnancy, which she didn’t know. She seemed surprised by that revelation.”
“She thought it was planned…another lie her mother told her. Well I told her In no uncertain terms ‘I respect you coming to meet me. But i do not want a relationship with you. I have a family now. Please don’t contact me again’.”
“She just got up and left angrily, but not before calling me an a$hole to my face.”
“My sister agreed I was an a$hole. Was I? How else was I supposed to deal with this?” – Throwawaypaoqi
Reddit blasted him for not having the guts to tell her that it would be awkward for him to try and juggle two sets of children, but that he would be glad to keep in contact with her and build a relationship with her. He owed her that much as a father.
You’re the a$. She didn’t ask to be born, she grew up without her father and she wanted to know you.”
“You made a mistake and now you have to deal with it! Hurting another human for your mistake.”
“Poor girl 😔” – XYYV
“I’m assuming the wife is the reason he did this because she doesn’t even know the daughter exists. What other reason is there for cutting your 16 year old child (who didn’t even ask for anything besides to meet you) out of your life?”
“If I was the wife and the father of my child told me he had another kid he never mentioned and he told her to leave him alone when she contacted him, well, I would not want him being a father to my kid…” – Rayyychelwrites
“The whole ‘I have a family now’ actually caused me pain to read. OP, you’re the a$hole so much.”
“That poor girl did nothing wrong. How will your other children feel knowing you refused them a relationship with their sister?”
“I’m curious to know how your significant other feels about this as well. If I found out mine was so cold hearted I would probably reconsider the relationship.” – FloptimusCrime8
“You’re the a$. ‘How else was i supposed to deal with this?'”
“Maybe behaving like and adult? It seems that you got stuck at 16, you didn’t even let her express herself, that’s just disrespectful.” – Jaime0007
“Yup, you’re the a$hole. You got a girl pregnant, left her, and told her to not contact you again.”
“Fast forward and the kid is grown up so obviously she’s gonna want to meet her dad and then you treat her like shit. The fact that you want nothing to do with her makes you an a$hole and the fact that you just left your pregnant girlfriend after f’ing her makes you an a$hole.”
“‘My sister agreed I was an asshole. Was i? How else was i supposed to deal with this?’ I mean if you wanted nothing to do with her then I guess that’s how you were supposed to handle it, but it still makes you an a$hole.”
“That’s like me saying “hey I want to go rob a bank so I did how else was I supposed to deal with this?'” – rahimmoore26
“She’s sixteen, not six, she’s two years from being an adult. Having a relationship with her wouldn’t mean raising a small child but could be as much as taking her to lunch once a month or sending an occasional ‘how are you doing?’ text.”
“Your ex did all of the raising, all that’s left for you to do is simply being in her life and even that’s too much to ask?”
“At sixteen she’s even old enough to understand if you’d explain to her that you’d be willing to stay in touch with her but want to take things slowly. But to essentially tell her to f*ck off because you have a family now?! Yeah YTA and did not handle this ‘like a man’ at all.” – RavishingRoses
“My guess is that OP never told his wife that he has a daughter, and wants to continue hiding that fact, so decided that being heartless to a 16 year old is the perfect solution to his problems. Spineless and selfish to the highest degree.” – thisisultimate
“My dad, who is autistic, had me as an accident with my mother after a 1 night stand. She kept me despite his wishes and he wasn’t technically my father until I was 6, at which point he manned up.”
“And although he still to this day says he never wanted children and regrets having a child, he still calls me his favourite accident and took the time to see me when he could. And even if he had another girlfriend at the time, she was fully supportive of me and him.”
“I wasn’t her son but i was treated like i was and it made me feel great to have a 2nd family.”
“If an autistic man could man up, so can you. Although he was late, he still became my father.”
“You are not only 16 years late, but you spit in her face when all she wants to do is meet the other person who brought her in this world. You’re the a$hole, and not a small a$hole at that, a big gaping ugly a$hole.” – I_have_no_sanctuary
His response only makes it worse… as he demonstrates how reasonable and smart he is, how responsible he’s become with his new family…
I’m actually a good father. I’m raising my son right. And I’ll have more kids. My bio daughter is my daughter only in technicality. I don’t consider her my real daughter.”
“Call me a$hole, fine. I don’t care what gender you are. But if you want to say I’m not a real man, then it only.means something if you’re another man saying that to me.”
“I’m ok with accepting I’m an a$hole, just find it strange how women think they know what constitutes a real man. If someone is gonna criticize my manhood, it might as well be other men. I don’t go around telling women that they’re not acting like a ‘real’ woman would do.”
“I walked off because I had better priorities. My college education and my career. All worth it.”
“Assuming you’re a woman, I’m tired of women telling men how to be men. If I told a woman how to be a woman, I’d be hearing no end of it. ‘How about men stop telling women what it means to be a woman?'”
“So how about women stop telling men how to be men? I had better things to do at 16. I had a life.”
“She’s not my daughter. I have a family now.”
“My wife knows the situation about my lying and emotionally crazy ex, yes. She knows that I had a child with her. She also knows my ex is not to be trusted.”
“I went to a highly ranked college and earn quite a fair bit. So I’m not stupid.” – Throwawaypaoqi
… coming from an adoptee and a married man in his late 40s who reconnected with his biological father, who had the benefit of a real father who raised me as his own and didn’t care if I was blood related..
….and had my biological father, who didn’t know about me, or couldn’t do anything about it at the time (because he was already in turmoil over being screwed up by his own parents and follow up with a girl he hooked up with one night at a party) but still wants a relationship with me, acknowledging that he’s my old man and my tie to the family tree, and communicates with me to keep in touch and get to know each other better as family…
…I can definitely tell you, AITA OP: You’re the asshole. You shirked your responsibility at 16, hid behind your parents, put that poor girl you shtupped into a compromising position with her family and friends, raised a daughter on her own and as you went to school and built your career and found “Ms. Right”, you did nothing for your own daughter that you created. Now, you can’t have the decency to be a real father and step up and BE THERE FOR HER? Just because you had another baby and provide for your wife, doesn’t make you a good man. A good man shows ownership and responsibility , and you’ve done neither. Your 16 year old past just caught up with you and you’re still refusing to accept ownership. Have you no shame or common decency to look your daughter in the face and see the love that’s waiting for you?
You are the asshole, OP, and what you deserve is pity and nothing more, you poor wretch.